


Can't Remember to Forget You

by larascasse



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Amnesia, Jenson is pissed off, Kimi keeps a diary, M/M, Mark is too good for Kimi, Seb is a mess, Trouble In Paradise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-08-09 19:04:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7813555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larascasse/pseuds/larascasse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kimi has trouble with his short-term memory after he takes a fall. He's found a way to manage racing, but managing relationships is proving a bit more difficult.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Remember to Forget You

It was the fifth time Kimi biked the track, but he was no closer to remembering what came after Turn 4.

Most things Kimi can remember as clearly as his name. Things like his first win, or little things like that day he spent at the beach during winter break and got a nasty sunburn.

There are things that though sometimes he thinks he forgot, his body hasn’t. Things like the password on his phone, or playing poker.

Moments he’d like to forget, of course, he has not. The dolphin. The tumble on his boat.

Seb. He remembers Seb. The kid that watched him from the Ferrari garage. Red Bull junior turned World Champion. Fellow driver turned friend. He remembers the day, or night rather, they went from friends to more than that. He remembers many stolen kisses, hidden makeout sessions, ruined hotel bed sheets. He remembers secret vacations and stay-at-home weekends.

Yes, Kimi can still remember almost everything prior to the fall off his bike last week. After that, well, it’s a little more frustrating. The fact that he can’t seem to learn this stupid Baku track is simply the most recent example of it. Kimi ditches the bike and lays down in a patch of grass, Mark mirroring him.

“Still no luck?” Mark asks.

Aside from the doctors and his family, Mark is the only who knows about Kimi’s short-term memory problems. Kimi made him promise not to tell a soul in case the team decided to ban him from racing.

Kimi shakes his head.

“Alright, let’s try this,” Mark says and grabs a stick from the ground, giving it to Kimi. “Hold on to this, hands apart and close your eyes.”

Kimi's eyebrows raise. “What’s it gonna help," he asks skeptically.

“Just do as you’re told,” Mark groans, and Kimi decides to give whatever Mark has in mind a shot.

Kimi feels pressure on his right foot, then the stick’s left side dipping towards the ground as pressure releases on his right foot and pressure appears on his left. Kimi smiles, eyes still closed, and lets Mark guide him through a lap around Baku.

They do ten laps like this, and by the end of it, Kimi can go through the motions on his own. Muscle memory will have to do this weekend.

 

“How was the track walk?” Kimi asks Seb when he finds him lounging around the motorhome.

“Fine,” Seb answers before returning his attention to Britta.

“Wanna go over the testing plan?” Kimi asks, which is really just code for a fuck, because they’ve both already gone over Friday’s plan with their engineers.

“Nah, busy.”

Kimi frowns. It’s not like Seb to say no, but they’ll no doubt catch up tonight.

 

Thursday evening arrives and Seb still hasn’t been in touch aside from what has been necessary for work. 

Kimi is starting to wonder if Seb is mad at him. Though usually Seb will just come out and bitch at him instead of sulking in a corner, and Kimi prefers it that way.

A knock on the door surprises him out of his thoughts. Kimi gets up and tosses a t-shirt on before answering the door and finding Mark standing in the hallway, looking him up and down.

Mark sighs. “You forgot, didn’t you?”

Kimi’s mouth drops open. He’d make an excuse, but he doesn’t even know what it is he forgot.

“Dinner,” Mark says.

Kimi already had room service. That he knows, since the tray of food is still sitting on the dresser. His stomach still feel like it has space in it though, so he lets Mark in to wait in the room while he throws on some more appropriate clothes for a restaurant.

 

“Think Seb’s pissed off at me,” Kimi says between mouthfuls.

Mark doesn’t know they’re dating, so Kimi can’t elaborate, but maybe there’s something he said or did that he doesn’t remember.

“No reason I know of. Are you writing in the diary like I told you?”

“I have a diary?” Kimi asks, choking a little on his water.

“I think it’s on your phone. At least that’s what you said you were gonna do. Look,” Mark says, a little uneasy, “maybe you shouldn’t be racing. Maybe you should be at home recovering.”

“Bullshit. I can still drive.”

“Fine. But if Friday goes to shit, I’m getting the doc to order you home.”

“Yeah yeah,” Kimi says dismissively. He’s not worried about the driving part. It’s everything else he’s worried about. He’ll have to look into this diary thing.

When he’s back in his room, Kimi looks through his phone and does indeed find a diary of key conversations, events and appointments, along with a few ramblings. It’s sporadic at best, and doesn’t explain why Seb’s been distant, only that he has, but at least it’s something.  He makes an entry for today, writing down everything he remembers. He thinks about making a note to check his diary, but since he’s written that down three other times before, it’s a bit of a waste. He decides instead to set an alarm for every few hours during the day with “check diary on phone” as the title. That should help him keep track more easily of his life. 

This short-term memory issue is a real nuisance. The doctors told him it should pass within a week, but it’s already been a week, and Kimi doesn’t feel any closer to normal.

 

After he figures most crews have gone to bed, Kimi sneaks out of his room and heads for Seb’s. 

“It’s late Kimi, what do you want?”

Kimi doesn’t let him answer and locks their lips together. He feels Seb pull away for a second, but Kimi’s so horny, he pulls him back closer and, finally, Seb responds, kissing him back.

“Missed you,” he breathes between kisses. His body aches for Seb. It feels like he hasn’t touched him in ages. He grabs Seb’s arse, bringing their bodies together.

“Kimi,” Seb says, and it sounds pained and needy.

Kimi pulls both their shirts off and he pushes Seb backwards on the bed, falling over him, grinding against him.

The sex is hard and fast, and only a few minutes after it’s over, Seb is curled up against him, clinging to him while sound asleep. Kimi carefully pries him off and gives him a kiss on the cheek, making Seb smile in his sleep. Kimi then gets dressed and leaves. They can’t risk being seen getting out of the same hotel room come morning.

Once back in his room, Kimi makes an entry in his diary (thanks to the useful reminder he set up).

_ Sex with Seb. Don’t think he’s mad anymore. _

 

Friday morning brings the comforting ritual of briefings and Free Practice, and Kimi thanks the heavens that he was able to complete the program of FP1 without too much of a problem. Twelfth place isn’t great, but at least he made it through. His race engineer did seem annoyed with him for having to repeat instructions so many times, but it’s not the first time he’s had a bad weekend, so he doesn’t think he suspects anything.

He runs into Jenson in the paddock. And by runs into, it’s more like getting run over. Jenson grabs him by the arm and slams him against a motorhome wall, hidden by large packing crates.

“That’s fucking low Kimi.”

Kimi looks at Jenson like he’s grown two heads.

“Hää?”

“Messing with Seb after you break the guy’s heart? If you’re gonna leave him, then leave him the fuck alone. You’ve done enough damage,” Jenson hisses at him before letting him go and storming away.

Kimi stares into nothing for a few minutes, confused as hell. He decides that’s definitely worthy of an entry in his diary, but before he has a chance to pull his phone out, Seb is calling after him.

“Kimi!”

“Hey,” Kimi says, trying to walk away, because if he really did break up with Seb, he needs to figure out why.

But Seb jogs up to him to catch him, and well, it’s not like Kimi can actually run away from him without getting the media’s attention.

“So last night…” Seb starts, blush creeping on his cheeks. Kimi glances at him from under his sunglasses, and he can’t for the life of him remember why he’d give him up.

“Won’t happen again,” he says. If Seb had gone to Jenson about it, then clearly it had messed him up, and Kimi doesn’t want to play with Seb. He doesn’t deserve it.

“Oh. Right,” Seb says and falls behind Kimi, no longer following him.

 

By the time Free Practice 2 happens, Kimi is back in his element, the track finally ingrained in his muscles and his brain. He’s still only thirteenth, but that had more to do with their program than his memory.

They’re in debrief when his phone alarm rings. _ Check diary on phone _ . Kimi follows his alarm’s instructions and reads through the entries, the last one being from last night.  _ Don’t think he’s mad anymore _ . Kimi looks up from his phone and at Seb. Well, Seb doesn’t look mad, but he sure as hell doesn’t look happy. He’s slumped in his seat, eyes cast low, mouth turned down. Seb almost looks like he’s been crying. Not that he has a reason to. Today’s sessions might not have been the best, but Kimi has no doubt Seb will qualify well tomorrow. He makes a note on his phone to cheer Seb up later, adding other info to his diary about today’s sessions, meetings, and plans for quali.

 

Kimi shows up at Seb’s door with the smallest tub of vanilla ice cream the hotel had. He knows it’s bad to indulge on race weekends, but Seb really looked like he needed a pick-me-up.

“Go away,” Seb says when he opens the door.

Kimi flashes him a smile and offers him the container. “Got your favourite. Sorry about today.” He knows it’s not his place to apologize for lackluster practice sessions, but he doesn’t know what else to say. Seb seems to be considering his present, and eventually lets Kimi inside.

“Thought you said this wouldn’t happen again?” Seb says while he starts to dig in the ice cream, savouring every mouthful with little moans that go straight to Kimi’s crotch.

Kimi doesn’t know what Seb is referring to. Bringing him ice cream? Having a bad practice session? It could be anything, so he just makes a non-committal sound and shrugs. By Seb’s glare, it wasn’t the answer he was expecting, but he’s almost through the ice cream container and that seems to have appeased him somewhat.

“Does that mean we’re good again?” Seb asks as he licks the spoon clean.

Kimi hadn’t realised they were bad. He quickly checks his phone while Seb goes to put the container in the trash. It seems Seb and him are going through some ups and downs, but last entry suggests they’re on the up.

“Yeah, we’re good,” Kimi calls out, and Seb beams at him when he climbs back into bed, snuggling close to him. They make out while the tv plays some pay-per-view movie neither of them is really interested in.

“I should go,” Kimi says with a yawn when the movie is over. They’ve still got lots of work ahead of them and they both need their sleep.

“Okay,” Seb says and kisses him one more time. “Please never break up with me again.”

Kimi pulls away to look at Seb. Oh shit. Is this what this is about? He broke up with Seb. Why the hell would he do that? Kimi holds the back of Seb’s head and pulls him in for another kiss, long and slow, and he hopes Seb will feel just how much he cares. “Never,” he says when he breaks for air.

The moment Seb’s door closes behind him, Kimi makes an entry in his phone. He needs to remember this and figure out why he broke up with Seb.

 

“Keep me away from Seb,” Kimi asks Mark when he sees him the next day. He might have put a note in his diary, but it’s not like he looks at his phone constantly. He’d rather have backup.

“Why? Is everything okay?”

“Please, just don’t let me talk to him alone right now.” Kimi can’t go into details, but he needs the help. “Don’t want to ruin our friendship by saying things I won’t remember.”

“Alright, fine.”

It doesn’t take long for Mark to be needed. Just before quali, Seb is hanging out at the back of the garage, looking at him with this dopey smile on his face.

Kimi smiles back at him. He can’t wait to have some time with him after the race. A few weeks ago, they booked a chalet in Austria so they could get away, even if it’ll just be a few days. Kimi is almost on Seb’s side of the garage when a firm hand comes resting on his shoulder.

Kimi turns around to find Mark shaking his head at him. “Don’t.”

“Why not?”

Mark wraps an arm around Kimi’s shoulder and turns them away from watchful eyes and cameras. “Something about saying stuff you’ll regret. Memory loss and all. You asked me to keep you away from him.”

Kimi looks back over his shoulder, only just catching the look of disappointment before Seb forces a smile for a camera.

 

The combination of Mark and his phone is enough to keep him away from Seb. He’s gone through his texts and emails, and he still doesn’t know why he had broken up with Seb, and it’s really starting to nag him. On the upside, Kimi feels like he’s having fewer instances of memory blanks. He just hopes it’ll keep getting better.

At least the race goes relatively well. Seb finishes second, while Kimi manages to take fourth. The team’s celebration is low-key. Just a room rented at the hotel for the crews to hang out together over drinks. He spends most of the evening with Mark while Seb is chatting up his mechanics and engineers. The crowd around is slowly thinning out when Mark bids Kimi goodnight.

Mark pulls him into a hug and whispers in his ear. “Remember, keep your distance to Seb.”

Kimi hugs him back but as soon as Mark has turned his back on him, Kimi makes his way across the room to find Seb. The mechanics that were still talking to Seb thankfully leave them be, allowing them the privacy of a conversation.

“Good race,” Kimi says, raising his bottle before taking a sip of his beer.

“Yeah, you too. Shame third didn’t happen for you,” Seb says, and gives Kimi a look. He knows that look. It’s the I-have-something-on-my-mind-but-don’t-know-how-to-tell-you look. 

“Just say it,” Kimi encourages, taking another gulp of beer.

Seb frowns. “It’s nothing. Just that. Well.”

Kimi looks at Seb in the eyes. “Just that?”

“Are you in love with Mark?” Seb blurts out, and Kimi swears there’s a hint of tears at the corner of Seb’s eyes, but he can’t hold back a laugh.

“Mark?” Kimi says, wiping the beer from his lips, still grinning. “Fuck no, why would you think that?”

Seb shrugs. “You’ve been spending all this time with him.”

“He’s my trainer. I love you,” Kimi whispers just loud enough for Seb to hear.

Seb turns away from him, stirring the ice unnecessarily in his Red Bull vodka. Kimi slides his bar stool closer to Seb’s, so that he can touch him without arising too much suspicion. “Seb, I love you,” Kimi repeats. “Not Mark, not anyone else.”

Seb sighs, and definitely wipes a tear from his eyes. 

“Let’s go talk in my room,” Kimi says and grabs Seb by the elbow, guiding him to the elevator and up to his room.

They both sit on the bed, facing each other. Kimi waits for Seb to say something, but Seb just avoids his gaze.

“I thought maybe that was why you left me,” he finally says. 

“When did we…did I leave you?” Kimi asks. He’s had enough of this. He wants Seb to be happy. He’s tried everything he could to figure it out and he doesn’t think he’ll ever remember dumping Seb. He might as well try to get the information from Seb himself.

Seb sits up, sadness moved to anger. “Am I that unimportant that you don’t even remember when you left me? Fuck you Kimi!”

Kimi stands to meet him, reaching out but Seb steps back. “Seb, let me explain.”

“No!” Seb says, louder than it should be in a hotel. “You’ve been playing with me all this time, and like an idiot I keep coming back to you. I’m done.”

Kimi tries to stop him from storming off, but Seb won’t hear him out and Kimi stops short of chasing him down the hallway.

The next morning, Kimi remembers the conversation clear as day, even if he wished he didn’t. It still brings him some comfort, knowing that he might be getting all his head back. Now if only he could get Seb back.

He tries Seb’s hotel room, and when there’s no answer, he tries calling, and texting, but Seb is completely ignoring him. He resorts to asking Mark to go talk to Seb for him. Mark grumbles about it, but ultimately agrees. Kimi knows he’ll have to suffer through some tough training as punishment, but it’s a trade-off he’s willing to accept.

Kimi is at the chalet they had rented, not wanting it to go to waste, and liking the solitude, when Seb shows up at the door unexpected.

“Mark explained,” Seb says, inviting himself in.

His face is unreadable. Kimi isn’t sure if it’s good or bad, but he figures that Seb coming to see him is probably a good sign.

“You’re fucking stupid for hiding this from me,” Seb continues.

“I didn’t want you to have to put up with this,” Kimi says, pointing at his head. His brother Rami had brought up the breakup over the phone, asking how Kimi was coping. That’s when he found out why he’d done it. It had come as a relief to know it was just that and nothing else.

Seb waves him off. “Yeah I know. Well, I assumed. Mark said you went to the doctor’s on Tuesday, and you broke off with me that evening.”

Kimi joins Seb, who has already made himself at home on the couch.

“So, how bad is it? Mark said it was getting better,” Seb asks.

“It’s okay. Better now. Been doing these to practice,” Kimi says, showing Seb some apps on his phone for memory training.

Seb ends up downloading the apps so he can play against Kimi, and they spend the rest of the evening doing just that, cuddled on the couch in one way or another, stopping to munch on some pasta they got delivered, and falling back into an easy routine.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, title is shamelessly stolen from a song title by Shakira...


End file.
